Whiskey River

Thoughts and emotions of a common man,

Putting it out there for the consciousness of the world to carry.


What is wrong.  I can’t believe for the life of me, you would leave me hanging this long.   Perhaps it is lousy timing on my part when I hail you.  But my gut is telling me there’s something else and for once its not me.   Usually I feel I did something wrong.   But this time I don’t, I feel something changed.  I’m not sure what.   Know that I am here, I will listen and help however I can.

It could be that your sick.  It could be that you had a conversation with your sister about me and are rethinking me.   And now I am leaving, you would be welcome to come with me.   For us to build a life together.I  feel in my heart that you and I are meant to be together, but that is my heart.   You do not feel the same, but I believe it is because you are listening you your mind.   There is a saying, the heart knows what it needs to heal itself if you can silence the mind. 

Live into the statement you said the day after you received the present, text me.


Desperado, First Letter.


I have to wonder if I had not sent you the letter would you have joined me at the concert.   I don’t know.  I do know that some interesting things have gone on.     Right after I asked you about the letter.  I thought Joanne, “is this right do I just have to be patient, and be myself.   I know you want me to be with her, but she doesn’t think of me that way.”   I was just about to give up when you (Joanne) sent me a message via Zoosk, three hits from that website that day.  All three bore the true name of M&M,  I get the message, I also realize the message in my letter to M&M needs to sit and marinate. 

So M&M,  The concert was fantastic.  I remember thinking of you during two songs, Take it Easy and then Desperado.    The line from Take It Easy, “I get this feeling I  may know you as a lover and a friend, but this voice keeps whispering in my other ear saying I may never see you again.”   This is the quandary.    And then came the final song of the night.  “Desperado,”  Perhaps this relates to both of us in someway.  But maybe more you.   Because, I am grateful for what I have been give and recognize that some fine things have been laid upon my table.  You on the other hand have not.  You have a good job that you are great at, and you can hate a job and be as good as you are.  You hate your circumstance, your life because you hate some of the choices you’ve made.  Well we all have, the trick is not to let them stew in you.  Shed them, before they take over you.

But I guess more like most of the song is about you:

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

You been out ridin' fences for so long now

Oh, you're a hard one

I know that you got your reasons

These things that are pleasin' you

Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy

She'll beat you if she's able

You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger

Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home

And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'

Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?

The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine

It's hard to tell the night time from the day

You're losin' all your highs and lows

Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

Come down from your fences, open the gate

It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you

You better let somebody love you, before it's too late 

It fits you so well, I guess It’s Desperado from now on.  And for now Desperado, I must as another song says. “Love pure and chaste from afar.”

A prayer for the New Year
Great Spirit, through my grief you have given me strength, and you have granted me peace through the reflection of solitude.  I thank you.   You have shone the light on a path for my future, grant me the courage and strength to walk this path.  Grant me the patience and forbearance to cultivate the seeds I sow along the path that it may bring forth the fruit I desire. Guide me along the way.   Give me the tolerance to forgive those who wrong me, and give me the fortitude to beg forgiveness of those I wrong, let them forgive me.   For all that you have given me, Thank you.

Dear Chef,
People who have never been through Landmark Education’s THe Forum do not know how powerful it can be . . . . It got me ten years with my best friend Willie that would I never would have had. It is allowing to move forward in my life maybe sooner than some people think I should.

Recently you, posted on FB her dreams for a mate. Inspired by hers, I put out my own, as she said not as a singles add but just in case the universe is listening. Maybe it will respond.

Most important someone with confidence, someone who knows who they are and what they want. Someone who is comfortable with themselves. I want someone who is charming, witty, a good sense of humor and a sense of adventure. Someone who wants to travel, but also likes to go to movies, and plays, and county fairs. Someone who likes to cook and entertain. Someone who likes to shoot and fish would be a plus. And yeah I’m a guy so looks are important, pretty - not necessarily drop dead gorgeous but pretty with a nice body, someone who is comfortable with their appearance and not afraid to dress to impress. I want a woman who likes sex and and is adventurous in bed and not contained by traditional morays. A woman who will be the consummate lady in public and a wanton slut in the bedroom. A man can dream!!

And in case anyone out there wants to know what I can offer: I’m caring, considerate, loving and an honorable man, who is housebroken . . . . I cook, I clean (reasonably well), I have a good sense of humor, I’m good with my hands (double entendre intended) and I financially stable without commitment issues.

For all the young ladies in their late 30s or early 40s never say “Age is not important” unless you personally are willing to back it up with your own actions. Three woman have said that to me and then balked at a dinner invitation. Guys have feelings too, couching it in a euphemism like “We’re at different points in our lives” doesn’t soften it. It still hurts.

For what its worth Chef, you are wrong (and I don’t say that often to anyone) but after some thought we are exactly at the same point, we arrived from different routes and mine may have been longer route, but we are both there at the point and at the same time. I am exactly who you want, but you see me as too old, where if I were ten years younger it would be fine? So who are you going to find; Someone who’s never been married because he’s a jerk, or divorced with a kids, because he’s a jerk. If you’re lucky you’ll find a divorcee who’s ex-wife was the jerk, but he still has a family. So guess what you’re not going to Florida because the guy’s kids are here. If you’re really, really lucky you’ll find a retired serviceman. yes you can dream.

I have a task to do with HW. I will talk to you about her and ask guidance with her, and while I’m doing that you will see that I am who you want, just slightly older than you thought. And so, “You’ll Accompany Me.”

Holy Water

Who stole your halo?

The title of this entry is the title of a Big and Rich song, the question is extracted from the first line of that song.   When I hear it now it is makes me cry.   I’ve been thinking how it applies to M&M,  Unfortunately the Rules of Engagement between me and her are written by others.  

“She wants someone to call her angel, someone to put the light back in her eyes.”  // “She just needs little help to wash away the pain she’s felt, she wants to feel the healing hands of someone who understands.”

I want to restore her faith and make her smile, not a temporary smile brought forth from a liquor bottle.   An honest true smile brought about because she’s being treated right.   Right now she lives the life of another Big and Rich song, “Between Raising Health and Amazing Grace.”

-- “Somewhere between raising hell and amazing grace there’s a place I keep finding myself, yeah I get a little crazy trying to have a little fun then I end up back where I started from, down on my knees I pray oh lord let me see another day.”

My own problem as I’m not quite sure why I want to be that “someone” from “Holy Water.”   Is there a spark of something there, or is it because there is something else.   Is her heart was broken and I want to fix it.  Not because I care about her, but because I just want be a fixer, she wants to be wanted and I want to want someone.   Joanne had her own stolen halo, due to the sicknesses she had.  I was glad to have someone who needed me, I think thats a need everyone feels.    But Joanne’s self esteem was so low I never really knew if she was in love with me,  or in love with the idea that someone was in love with her.  I guess I might have that same problem with M&M.    But my problem is why do I feel the desire, almost a need to reach out to her.  She is definitely pretty, not a stunning drop dead gorgeous,  but pretty just the same.   I noticed that almost as an after thought.   Unlike my interest in Lady Voldemort, where my evaluation of her abilities was clouded by her artistic talent and beauty,   Yes I had a crush on her.   But M&M is different, she is exceptional at her job.  I looked for her on the tour rundown for citywide dispatcher, long before I ever thought of her in any other way.

It is precisely because she is so good at her job, that I took notice of her.   And it was her words to me that made me think of her differently, as someone I’d like to know outside work, whether we are just friends, or more.   I cam back from a week long FEMA class, and when I returned in June.   She was the first one to call out to me when I got to work that day.  She stood over one of the consoles, made eye contact with me and said.  “There you are mi amore.”   Over the next few weeks she used the term Love with me several times.   It made me take notice of her in a different light.

I must admit it is not just that:  The new friends I met at FEMA, asked me about Joanne, her life, our life and her passing, they offered a none judgmental conversation that was genuine.   It let me come to peace with Joanne’s passing.   I was able to recognize, I am ready to start the a new journey.   The first step is cleansing.  Parting with her stuff, I sold her iPhone, her iPad, and Mcbook.  I am giving some of her jewelry to our god-daughter this week.   When I get back, hopefully the title to the Rogue will be there and I will trade that in on a Tacoma.   Our friend J will help me go through her clothes.   It is important to say, it is only the beginning of the journey.

It will help me make room for M&M or Chef or whomever.  And I love and hate Artist for bringing that song in to my life,  It has meaning for both me and M&M, as does Holy Water.

That Ol' Wind

I started to sing again.  I’m not one who would ever sing in public, not without several rounds of alcoholic lubrication.  But I follow a tune in the car to the radio or iPod   For months after Joanne passed I couldn’t sing.  The heart was just not there.  Then suddenly I could.   The events precipitating include coming home from a training class where I made some really great new friends.   And interacting with new ones.   My post last night was a from the melancholy side of me, but during the sleep induced by  a shot of Jameson and a pint of Guiness, the Great Spirit and Joanne came to me.

When I went to sleep last night I was thinking of the Eagles song, “Already Gone”  Two lines from the work,  “Just remember this my girl, when you look up at the sky, you can see the stares but still not see the light,”  and “So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and never really know we have the key”

This morning while sitting in a dentists chair I remembered a song by Garth Brooks, not one of his more famous ones, but to me one of the more moving ones.  “That Ol’ Wind” and one line from that song, or rather a few lines:  ‘'Cause you can't hold back the wind, if it’s meant to be again, then someday he’ll find her way back to her arms.”  And Kathy Mattea’s song “Come from the Heart”

I took a look at the older posts I made in this blog and came across a post to my friend “Lady,”  She had just lost her mother, and she became distant.  I came to the realization I was trying too hard to be a friend.   She had plenty she didn’t need me, it is now that after losing Joanne I realize the same.   I backed off because I never want to lose her as a friend, Lady and I still are friends.

Enter M&M, another friend or at least someone I’d like to be a friend.    I know there’s trouble in her personal life,  just what it is I’m not sure, for although she’s given me a vignette into the trouble and her life hence the call sign M&M: Hard shell on outside, sweet on the inside.  She’s probably a peanut M&M cause she’s also a little nutty.   I am not close enough to her to know the details.  I doubt I ever will be.  I do know that I pushed hard to help, and if I push too hard I can push her away.   It is a close parallel to Lady’s story.    My friendship with Lady grew into great lasting one, at least from my perspective.  I don’t know if a reciprocal friendship with M&M is possible.  I do know I care about her, and will always be here for her.  She awakened a possibility for a future. If not with her with someone else.  The specifics of that awakening remain private, at least until I can tell her.

Shame on the Moon
My wife passed away suddenly a few months ago,  Although it was unexpected, It was not altogether unanticipated.   The fears that rose those first few months, were allayed for the most part past due to the friendship of a few young women.   Unfortunately, they are not around today, when I feel melancholy.  I am not interested in anything physical, just conversation.   And the desire to be needed.  If the worst thing any man can hear from a woman is "let's just be friends."   The second worst thing that can be heard is "If I were single, I'd go out with you."  The fact is you're not and so your statement is hollow.  All the gentle platitudes from the single women I work with is irrelevant, because when the chips are down and the question is put to them.   They immediately balk.   Please ladies men have emotions too, and these well meaning words can be just as hurtful as a flat out NO,  In someways the No is easier, our hopes are not raised, only to be dashed.   Be honest with us from the outset.


Writer's Block: First Amendment
Why is freedom of speech important to you?
I've read the information available about the SOPA/PIPA . .... Can someone please tell me how protecting my intellectual property rights somehow violates a freedom of speech.   From what I have read the freedom the bills impede is the freedom from someone to steal my work and republish it.    

What does concern me is the attack on the 4th Amendment right to privacy.  The two bills (which are still in committee and have more acceptable river (OPEN) do give the Government the ability to access servers without warrant, that is what should be distasteful.   Cause I really don't see an attack on the 1st Amendment, I see an attack on the 4th.

The good news is I doubt it would hold up to a Supreme Court challenge.

Mushy Me
Perhaps it comes with age.  But of late I notice things are pulling at my heart strings like they never did.   I find it not to cry when I hear song's like "Christmas Shoes" or read about the Secret Santa craze.  Even watching all the TV dramas Christmas episodes can bring to a tear to my eye.   It is not just the time of year.  I noticed I felt the same way when the Medal of Honor Citation was read for Dakota Meyer, or I read about the heroism of police, fireman, or EMS.   Perhaps I've come to the realization that through all of my person trials and tribulations I've had a pretty good life.   I may not have got all I wanted and I may not achieved what I wanted to, but all in all, I've been blessed.

Writer's Block: Frozen delights
Maple Walnut!
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?


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